Should Have Gone Easy into that Good Knight…

The new Knight Rider series, if it can be called that, is a travesty. So far as I can tell, the only similarities between the two shows is that they have a man who was once Michael Long and that the episode titles are puns on “night” and “knight.” Otherwise, the new show is an embarrassment and a complete loss of the vision of the first series.

LEFT: Michael and KITT prepare for a picnic in the park. Even predators need to refuel.

To build my case, let me first outline how tremendously predatory the original Knight Rider was. First, it starred David Hasselhoff—and we’re talking pre-Baywatch Hasselhoff and pre-drunken-embarrassment-to-America “Hoff.” Not only was it thrilling to tune in every week to see Hasselhoff’s mane of chest hair pouring out from a button-up shirt and leather jacket, it was also gratifying that his character was a true agent for good: a maverick for the Foundation for Law and Government who carried no gun and needed only his wits, his fists, and his old pal KITT to defeat the various forces of evil.

Number two: KITT, a wicked cool Pontiac T-Top. In the original, the supercar was voiced by William Daniels (that’s Mr. Feeney for all you Boy Meets World fans), and that snarky timbre was just right to characterize KITT. He was dedicated to logic and justice, but he got in his shots at Michael whenever possible. In addition, each episode had a devoted KITT-saves-the-day storyline. Yes, Knight was the pilot, but surely, he would have been little without his machine. The requisite chase scene and turbo-boost climax were staples of the original series. The show was about a supercar and its influence on justice.

Three: The supporting cast. Devon Miles and Bonnie Barstow were essential characters. Devon gave credibility and an ambiguous accent to the show. Bonnie, played by Patricia McPherson, was the foxy lady mechanic who knew how to push all of KITT’s (and Michael’s) buttons. She was the what-if romantic liaison for Knight, and she spiced up the secondary scenes. There was even the last season addition of Reg, or RC3, as he was affectionately called, to give a bit of flavor to the show. He showed that African-Americans on dirt bikes care about predation, too.

RIGHT: The original crew, with playful model of KITT. Devon gives us a predatory thumbs-up. Michael has the glare of a hunter zeroing in on prey.

Finally, there are a number of other contributing elements. The show’s theme was pulsing and commanded your attention. Busta Rhymes would later make a hit song from the theme, showing its influence and staying power. Richard Basehart’s narration over the theme of Michael Knight’s crusade for the “innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law” was a constant reminder of the show’s motif and was just plain bad-ass. And let’s not forget the moving headquarters in the back of the black Knight 16-wheeler. Nothing cooler than seeing KITT back out and peel around from the back of that bad-boy. And what of KARR, the first supercar model that could not handle his AI and turned evil? And Goliath, an evil 16-wheeler? I could go on an on…

But let’s now turn to the new series. First, Knight and the cast. Knight is played by an A-one douchebag. Technically, because of a ridiculous storyline, actually, the guy is Michael Traceur. Quel douch-ay. Though his acting is hammy and just horrible, I am not sure anyone could save the lines he is made to utter. KITT, too, is horrible in this version. The bloated once-star Val Kilmer delivers his lines with no passion, over-emphasizing the robotic nature of the voice. The rest of the cast is a bunch of Disney-looking tweeners who seem to be around only to either prance about in bikinis or rip their shirts off as need-be. A greater collection of douches and retards has not appeared since, well, MTV produced its last 100 shows. Not even Bruce Davison, a venerable TV character actor can save this janky cast.

ABOVE: New super-douche Michael Traceur and product placement KITT.

Next, let’s talk plots. As I have already alluded to, the show is more a flesh parade and youth advertisement than a real show. Its mediation is more like that of CSI: Miami than its own show. In addition, KITT may as well not exist. Michael and cast all have guns, and the show seems often to intentionally withhold any KITT-involved chase scenes or turbo boosts. As an example, in episode two, the show is about taking down a street racing league involved in other illegal activities. Just as KITT is set to race, he turns to go save the main slut of the show, disallowing my telephilic jouissance. Later, KITT arbitrarily morphs from Mustang to SUV, a shameless way for Ford Motor company to show its new lines. The morphing was completely superfluous and stood in as that episode’s “cool KITT” thing. Weak. Also, did I mention that KITT, earlier in the episode, had produced a key out of thin air? Yes, KITT now has Star Trek style matter replicators. Of course… why not? At episode’s end, KITT plays no part in the capture of the bad guys, and there is no turbo boost or whatever outlandish equivalent this group of hack writers would insert. The whole show is just a travesty.

To sum up, the show is one of the worst pieces of tripe on TV today, even outstripping MTV's, Nickelodeon's and Lifetime's regrettable offerings. It is a blatant attempt by NBC and Ford to attract the 18-34s, and it is practically unwatchable. This is one of those occasions where there is a subtraction by addition. There is the loss of once-proud predation here, people. Fight it.